Well, folks, miracles do happen. According to the fine propagandists over at NBC News, Congress managed to pull off “four big things” in 2025. I know, I know—picking your jaw up off the floor is tough when you’ve been conditioned to expect nothing but gridlock and grandstanding from our elected overlords. But before we start carving Mount Rushmore 2.0, let’s take a gander at whether these “big wins” are worth the paper they’re printed on or just more Beltway baloney.
First off, let’s give a slow clap to House Republicans, who The Wall Street Journal claims had a “great year.” Translation: they didn’t completely implode while trying to pass legislation that might—gasp—actually benefit Americans. Meanwhile, over at Fox News, Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA) is whining that the GOP’s legislative record is trash, while Republicans counter that Democrats are engineering government shutdowns like they’re auditioning for a Netflix drama. Rules for thee, but not for me, right, Eric? If only these clowns spent half as much time working as they do pointing fingers, we might not need to keep track of their “big things” on a Post-It note.
And then there’s the grand revelation from The Hill that Congress is trying to “reclaim relevance” after ceding power to the White House for years. Oh, bless their hearts. Imagine that—a branch of government remembering it’s supposed to, you know, govern under the Constitution instead of letting unelected bureaucrats and executive overreach run the show. Here’s a wild idea: how about sticking to the founding document that’s kept us free for over two centuries instead of treating it like a coaster for your overpriced Capitol Hill lattes? Call me crazy, but I think the Framers might’ve had a point.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled Congress did something—even if it’s just four measly things in a year. But let’s not pretend this is some Herculean feat of statesmanship. When your bar is set so low that passing a handful of bills counts as a banner year, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole “representative government” shtick. Or at least stop re-electing the same swamp creatures who think “bipartisanship” means agreeing on where to eat lunch.
Takeaway:
Congress doing “four big things” in 2025 is like a toddler tying their shoes—sure, it’s progress, but we’re not exactly calling Mensa. If these folks want real applause, how about slashing the bloated budget, securing the border, or—here’s a novel idea—reading the Constitution for once? Until then, Shut your suck hole, Swalwell, and get back to work.
Sources Note:
We’ve scoured the liberal echo chambers at NBC News, the slightly less insufferable pages of The Wall Street Journal, the always spicy Fox News, and the middle-of-the-road musings at The Hill to bring you this takedown. All facts are as verifiable as a politician’s promise—check the links if you dare.
Disclaimer:
This is satire, folks. If you’re clutching pearls over our sharp tongue, take a deep breath and remember: we’re just here to poke fun at the absurdity of it all. No politicians were harmed in the making of this article—sadly.
Published: 2025-12-31 | This is satirical content.